I've been worried about how I see art lately.  My mind has decided that it is either an objective skill (acquired through discipline), or it is entirely subjective (determining the content of your soul to the general public).  Of course, it is way more productive to practice art rather than philosophise about it.  I address this criticism in the section below.  It's probably all in my head, but I've been studying the old masters.  I feel really accomplished when I can capture even a small sliver of their wonder.  Of course, I don't bother posting it online or displaying it anywhere; it's just a shitty copy.  It means nothing to me if somebody likes it, truly.  On the other hand, I do draw my own t
  
  Is narcissism an inevitable trait of the artist?  Now, of course, I am aware of the mental connotations that come with narcissism.  I think it's weird that they called it NPD when "narcissist" or "Narcissius" has, for a while, been an insult, but that's a matter of the mental health field.  It's not narcissistic to recreate the beauty and ills of the world.  It's not narcissistic to believe that oneself has talent, and can provide something that nobody else can provide.
  
  I don't exist.  There's no picking apart the "I think; therefore I am" with me because I refuse to believe that I am.  As a consquence of believing that I am not anything, nobody is anything either.  I do not have a social circle.  The majority of my actions only affect people tangentially.  If I receive an F, my teachers may frown and shake their heads, but there is a glut of students who receive As.  If I cut off the people with whom I do interact, they will shrug and speak to the many other people they have.  If I die now, my parents may be sad for a little bit, but ultimately it would lessen the financial burden.  It is, of course, a narcissism problem.  I must be #1.  If I get an F, my teachers must coddle me, and pester me for tutouring, certainly...  But this doesn't...  This isn't enough.  Nothing is ever enough for me.  I am never happy.  Is it that I can recognise that I am miserable?  Oh, I should just believe in the capability of the human mind to be happy.  That's real helpful.  Is it that I don't believe in free will?  Rest assured, the individual molecules did not decide for me themselves what I was going to think.  There is no God that I believe in which controls me.  I am willful, yet I believe I have no will.
      
      Look at this pathetic loser.  Sooo obnoxious.  I think someone should come along and shoot her in the head.  I hope some terrible monster, some piece of shit who decides to do a drive-by shooting just for the hell of it rides by wherever this schmuck walks with her pathetic, mostly-sedentary legs and takes her off the map.  Then she would actually do someone some good.  In fact, killing her would be morally correct.  It would end both her misery, and the misery of those around her.  Nobody likes to see a poor sad sack sitting around doing nothing of not hoping someone would come along and save her oh how womanly.  So annoying so annoying so annoying.  Imagine saying you're suicidal and then not committing suicide.  What a waste.  Annoying annoying annoying so damn annoying and self-pitying and self-important I hate people like her I hate them so much.  Nobody owes you anything.  Nobody owes you anything goddammit go away and live in the woods if you want to do it so bad shut up youre not good at anything nothing you're ever proud of is warranted you end sentences with dangling prepositions Fucking make up your mind do you love living or not.  do you hate living or not how about you choose just choose pick one and stick to it already stop being so ANNOYING even YOU hate yourself but you love yourself SO FUCKING ANNOYING kill yourself now.  That's what I'd do if I were you
      
        Ican't do this anymore I can't fucking do htis anymore I can't do this anymore not for one second I need to die I need to die I CAN"T DO THIS ANYMORE Hello God Is that you wow har har har what A pleasure to meet you I'm so glad I am so INCREDIBLY HAPPY ALL THE TIME i'm not upset.  not for one second.  I have things for which to live.  I have things.. . I can't do this anymore I can do this still I can't do this anymore I feel so sick I feel so fucking sick I hate myself I wish I didn't have a brain so that I at lease have an excuse for being a massive fucking fat ugly obese stupid failure I hate everything I'm bloated and gorging on the blood of society like a tick i need to be squashed I hate everything I hate the soul which i suck Im a dependent little lamb  I'm fuckingsick I hate everything I hate it all Michealangelo Leonardo da Vinci Andy Warhol Bruneschelli Bottecelli Hinton Rowling Lowry Golding Gould I hate all of them Bach Mozart Ravel Debussy Liszt Brahms Beethoven Schubert Berlioz i hate them i hate them i hate art I fucking hate art artists should all be guillotined I hate them theyre so fucking stupid I hate every single artist I hate God I hate holiness I hate this fucking spirit of which I am not possessed can I just be good will I ever be good will i ever be imbued with the milk of I hate the old masters and I especially resent the young ones

Last updated 10 March 2025
Created 28 February 2025