Dear GrowthCo.,

  I have been buying your bonsai trees for the last three-hundred and fifteen thousand years.  I've been satisfied with the products for the last three-hundred thousand, but there's been a development - my bonsai trees are cutting themselves.  They're not doing it in the way I'd prefer.  See, I give them all they need - water, sunlight, soil.  They're alright in that capacity, I assure you.  
  
Lucy

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On behalf of GrowthCo., I apologise for the defective units.  We only wish to distribute trees of the highest quality.  





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(alternate version)

"My bonsai tree is cutting itself.  I don't know if it's supposed to do that.  I've been giving it all it needs, of course, water and sunlight and soil.  Please help me out.  I mean, it seems to be growing - just never in the path I compel it to go.  Really, I have been taking care of her.  There's water and sunlight and soil.  You should have seen how excited I was when the sprout peeked out of the dirt.  I was even excited when it hadn't sprouted yet.  I care for this thing a lot, but all it wants to do is...  I have no idea what it's trying to do!
  
  When it was tall enough, I placed a stake by it.  The stake was a nice, sturdy wooden one.  You wanna know what she did?  She grew in a forty-fucking-five degree angle, just so she didn't have to be like any other normal tree, just so she didn't have to touch something I touched.  Well, that's fine.  'An angle is a perfectly alright thing for a bonsai, Lucy', I told myself.  What a joke.  Everyone else's bonsais do what they're supposed to.  So, I tied my bonsai to the stake with string.  "

Created 04:18 14 September 2025
Last updated 14 September 2025